The Little Things Become the Big Things (Part III)
How small and consistent gestures are crucial in long-term committed relationships
This is the third essay in the series. You can read the previous posts here: Part 1 and Part II.
For this final essay, I’m taking a look at how the little things in relationships become the big things. The vast majority of our relationships are made up of the little things. The small every day moments and the little but consistent gestures over time become the foundation of our relationships, which makes the little things significant.
A simple note or text that lets your partner know you’re thinking of them.
The hand gently placed on your arm or the small of your back that signals “I’m with you.”
Picking up your partner’s coffee or their favorite treat on your way to meet them.
The knowing glance that wordless communicates, “I see you” or “I love you.”
Holding a hug or kiss just a few seconds longer to say “I want you.”
These are examples of the little things that make a big difference in our relationships by expressing your affection and showing your partner that you both value and prioritize them.
Renowned psychologist, researcher and relationship expert John Gottman argues that the key to healthy and thriving long-term relationships is doing “small things often.” We tend to think the big, movie-like moments form the core a relationship; from picture-perfect vacations and grand birthday celebrations to the big romantic gestures and knock-your-socks-off surprises, these big moments tend to get a lot of air-time. But according to Gottman, what decades of research has shown is that “it’s the little things that keep love strong—the small, repeated moments of connection that matter most.”1 These little things, these small acts of love and intention, build the bedrock of our relationships, strengthening our relational resilience to weather difficult conflicts and increasing our overall satisfaction in our relationships. This makes the little things significant to the overall health of a relationship.
Rituals of Connection
Examples of the little things in a relationship are what Gottman calls rituals of connection. These are “predictable, meaningful interactions that help partners feel seen, valued, and emotionally close.”2 They are consistent activities or gestures that hold shared meaning and emotional presence. Rituals of connection are things like: a kiss when parting or reuniting, drinking coffee together every morning or planning weekly date nights.
The research indicates that overtimes these small, yet consistent rituals build a strong foundation of connection and serve as a way for couples to turn towards each other, express their admiration for one another and create a sense of “us.” Rituals of connection serve as anchor points to remind our partners that they matter to us and that the relationship is a priority. They signal, “we are a team,” strengthening the emotional bond of the relationship and communicate that you continue to “choose us” again and again.
The Five Love Languages
In the early 90s, Gary Chapman came up with the concept of the five love languages to describe the ways in which people give and receive affection in their long-term committed relationships.3 Essentially, he suggested that each person has a primary or preferred “love language” that they show love to others and the way they best feel/receive love. They may be the same or different than your partner. The success of a lasting relationship, Chapman argued, depends on understanding your partner’s love language so you can best love each other well.
Here are the five love languages Chapman suggests:
Words of Affirmation - Expressing love and affection through praise, compliments and words of appreciation. They can be verbal or written.
Acts of Service - Doing things you know your partner would like or appreciate. This is giving of your time and energy.
Receiving Gifts - Giving thoughtful physical tokens of affection, large or small.
Quality Time - Giving your undivided attention and presence.
Physical Touch - Prioritizing physical affection, closeness and touch.
Certainly, there are many more ways of expressing and receiving love than these five,4 however, Chapman’s five love languages have been, and continue to be, used as helpful communication tools for couples to express their relational needs and desires. My point in mentioning them here is to build on this idea that it is the little things that are significant in our relationships. Often times the little gestures, gifts and displays of affection we offer to our partners fall within these categories described by Chapman. Combining these “love languages” with Gottman’s “small things often” gives us a way of thinking about how healthy, resilient and deeply bonded relationships are built over time from seemingly small acts of connection.
Consistent “little things” turn out to be of greater importance than infrequent grand gestures in that they create the fabric of a healthy, stable relationship. These little things strengthen our emotional bonds so we feel connected to each other, build relational resilience to navigate conflict and repair, and increase overall relational satisfaction in feeling valued and known by our partners. It’s the little things that matter most.
“The Little Things That Keep Love Strong: Learn how small, meaningful rituals of connection help couples build trust, stay close, and keep love strong over time.” The Gottman Institute. January 15, 2026. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-little-things-that-keep-love-strong/
ibid.
This is not an endorsement for, or a recommendation of, Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. A quick google search revealed that Chapman’s PhD is in Adult Education and he does not hold any counseling or therapy credentials. His work is based on his experience in pastoral counseling. Though his work is widely popular in mainstream culture, the scientific community views the five languages as more of a tool for communication, rather than a psychological theory.
Research conducted out of the University of Toronto by Emily Impett, Haeyoung Gideon Park and Amy Muise have debunked Chapman’s core assumption that each person has a primary love language. Instead, they propose a “balanced diet” metaphor where love and affection is expressed in a variety of ways that may vary depending on the season. You can access their full article HERE.
Impett, Emily A., Haeyoung Gideon Park and Amy Muise. “Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective” in Current Directions in Psychological Science Vol 33, Issue 2. Association for Psychology Science, January 12, 2024. DOI:10.1177/09637214231217663